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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24101566">Motherhood</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ride_on_wings/pseuds/ride_on_wings'>ride_on_wings</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>How to Train Your Dragon (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family Feels, Postpartum Depression, Sex</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 23:55:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,374</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24101566</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ride_on_wings/pseuds/ride_on_wings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Astrid didn’t understand herself. She had everything a woman could want, and yet...</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III/Astrid Hofferson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>96</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Motherhood</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'm going to preface this one by saying I'm writing out of the box here and I'm nervous about it. I have never been pregnant, not had a child myself, so, therefore, I cannot begin to understand the stress and anxiety that surrounds postpartum depression, so if I've gotten this terribly wrong, I apologize sincerely, it was not intentional. My sister-in-law recently had a baby and mentioned she was going to therapy and that's where this originated from. </p><p>There is some mild sex at the very end, in case that isn't your thing. </p><p>Comments and constructive criticism are always appreciated, and if you've had similar experiences personally, feel free to share them if it is therapeutic to you. I'm always happy to lend a sympathetic ear.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Astrid didn’t understand herself. She had everything a woman could want, everything she herself wanted - well, nearly everything, thinking of her lost friend, tucked away in the Hidden World - a loving husband, a beautiful home, an important role in the village, a supportive family, and the most beautiful baby she’d ever seen.</p><p><br/>
And yet she was miserable. She hated herself for feeling so depressed, but she couldn’t snap herself out of it. The feeling had started shortly after Zephyr’s birth, a looming, deep darkness residing in her stomach. Fear. Exhaustion. And overwhelming sadness with no cause.</p><p>She loved her daughter. When the girl was first placed in her exhausted arms after nearly a full day of labor three months prior, her heart had sung with joy. Love had swelled in her chest unlike anything she’d ever felt before. She’d seen the same emotions reflected in Hiccup’s gaze, his brilliantly green eyes brimming with unshed tears, pressing kisses to her temple and hairline as he stared at her sweet, tiny face and the reddish tuft of hair. They’d been overjoyed. Exhausted, but overjoyed.</p><p>The first weeks after had been a whirlwind of new routines, late nights, and crazy days. Hiccup had left the village in the hands of Gobber and the Council, determined to be by Astrid’s side in her weakened state and make everything as equal as possible. He’d stay up late and get up early to allow her a few extra hours of sleep, only waking her if Zephyr was clearly hungry - which was often. Astrid had never loved him more. She was so happy they were doing this together.</p><p>After a few weeks though, the village needed their Chief. Hiccup still shortened his hours away from the home, taking Zephyr in the mornings to allow Astrid her some time to herself. He’d pour over papers and documents with the baby curled in one arm. He loved those moments, he said, the early morning sun warming their house slowly, his child cuddled close to his heart. Some mornings, Astrid would just peek around the corner of his study and watch them, feeling her heart overflow with love for the two of them.</p><p>Astrid had regained her strength and sometimes used that time to do shorter, lightened versions of her old workouts. She was still the General of Berk after all. It helped her to feel more normal, dusting off her creaking joints and enjoying the familiar burn of tired muscles.</p><p>Then she would take their little girl from her husband and, after giving her a tender kiss, he’d venture out into the village to attend to their people.</p><p>Then the fear would begin to creep in.</p><p>What she was afraid of, she couldn’t explain. She was used to being brave, facing large, seemingly impossible challenges, but those were usually tangible objects, demons she knew how to fight. Now she was afraid of doing something wrong, that Zephyr wouldn’t stop crying, that she’d ruin everything with a simple action. She’d try to keep their home organized and clean, but she couldn’t stay atop it all.</p><p>She felt like a failure. She was the person that was good at everything. Her axe was always sharp and perfectly maintained, her items perfectly organized, nothing out of place. She was used to having a handle on everything, but now she felt lost. Zephyr would start to wail and a cold fist would close around her stomach. When the babe settled, Astrid felt exhausted, drained, and overwhelmed. She would watch the sweet little face she loved so much and dread the moment she would start to fuss again.</p><p>When Hiccup would walk into their home hours later, she’d force a smile. And when he kissed her and took the baby from her, cooing delightedly, the weight would lift. When Hiccup was there, she was fine. She’d apologize for the mess and he’d silence her with a kiss, encouraging her to lie down and relax before dinner.</p><p>Sometimes she would, collapsing into a chair and falling asleep almost immediately. Other times she’d start to clean, washing dishes, folding blankets that would only be unfolded later, piling up laundry. Hiccup would bounce Zephyr on his lap, talking about his day for both of their benefits. It made things seem normal. He always joked that he wanted Zephyr to hear everything he was doing: he was training his replacement, after all.</p><p>Some days, they’d cook together, side-by-side in their kitchen, Astrid peeling potatoes as her husband seasoned and cooked the meat. Some days, they’d go to the Mead Hall. Sometimes, Hiccup would arrange for food to be brought to them.</p><p>She used to get irritated by his limitless energy. Now she depended on it.</p><p>They’d go to bed together most nights, unless he had more to do. Even though she’d never tell him, she thinks he knows how she feels. He always holds her close, rubbing her back and pressing kisses to her hair and face. He tells her how strong she is, that she’s such a good mother, that he’d never want a life with anyone else. She feels so loved in his arms. She’d shatter without him. He puts her back together every night.</p><p>Some days she goes around the village with him, baby strapped to her chest, or sometimes to Hiccup’s. People swarm them, asking after the baby, but they never ask about her. She gives them every detail she can think of and they coo affectionately. From what she can tell, Zephyr is actually a pretty happy, easy baby. Valka tells horror stories about how sickly Hiccup was, and as relieved as Astrid is that that isn’t her reality, it makes her even more disappointed in herself. This isn’t even as bad as it could be.</p><p>Still, walking around the village makes her feel more normal. Hiccup keeps his arm around her, fills her in on anything she might have missed so she doesn’t feel removed. She loves him for it. But talking to everyone is exhausting and Zephyr gets fussy faster, so most of the time she stays home.</p><p>She’s having a particularly bad day when she gets an unexpected visitor. Zephyr threw up in her hair and won’t settle. The babe is not feverish, there’s nothing clearly amiss, but she won’t quiet. Astrid is surprised she hasn’t worn a track in the floor with the laps she’s been doing, bouncing the baby and shushing incessantly.</p><p><br/>
She starts crying. She can’t help it. Mother and daughter exchange deep, hiccupy sobs. She finally collapses at the base of the seating area by the fire, clutching their beautiful daughter to her chest and sitting in a huddled ball.</p><p>Valka walks in to find her like this. The older woman rushes to her side and brushes her tangled, sticky hair back from her face. “Love, what’s wrong?” She says softly, her eyes darting from the woman to the still crying baby. Astrid looks away, ashamed as Valka begins questioning her hurriedly. “Should I get Hiccup?”</p><p>Astrid’s voice shakes as she responds. “I don’t think I can do this.” She whispers. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”</p><p>Valka’s face softens. She reaches over and takes Zephyr from her, shushing the baby comfortingly as Astrid curls further into herself, pressing the heels of her hands to her eyes. After a few minutes, the baby quiets, which somehow makes Astrid feel even worse. Valka stands, walking the infant to her crib and setting her down gently. She waits for a reaction but Zephyr stays silent.</p><p>Valka then returns to Astrid, wrapping the girl in her thin, strong arms. “Oh my sweet girl.” Astrid can’t help herself. She presses her face into Valka’s chest, sobbing harder than ever. The woman just pats her, shushing her the same way she did for the babe, letting her cry.</p><p>After a few minutes, Astrid feels like she can pull herself together. Valka draws back, wiping the tears from her daughter-in-law’s cheeks with gentle fingers. Astrid starts to apologize, but Valka stops her.</p><p>“You’ve nothing to apologize for, my dear,” she says simply, hugging her close again. “I wondered if you might be one.”</p><p>Astrid’s foggy brain struggled to catch up. “What do you mean? A bad mother?” She asks defeatedly.</p><p>“My dear, you’re not a bad mother at all, far from it. You simply have the weepies.” Valka combs her fingers comfortingly through Astrid’s hair, not seeming to mind the tackiness from Zephyr’s spit-up.</p><p>“What…” Astrid’s brow furrows, “the weepies?”</p><p>The older woman smiles sadly. “It happens to many new mothers. They’re overcome by a feeling of sadness and fear, but most don’t talk about it, for fear of being judged.”</p><p>Astrid digests this information slowly, exhaustion making her feel stupid. She looks over at her child’s crib, then back at Valka, blinking. “So…. it’s… it’s not just me?”</p><p>“It’s not just you.” Valka says, pulling her back into a tight hug. “Before I married Stoick, I was training to become a midwife. Some women would come to me in the months after they’d given birth trying to get me to take their baby from them. Some even go so far as to try and hurt the child, even though they know deep down that they love them.” Astrid’s breath catches in her chest at that thought, horrified at the notion that she could ever be so desperate as to try to hurt or give away her baby girl. “I don’t exactly know why it happens, all I can think is that there are so many new emotions and… changes going on with our bodies that our brain gets a bit confused.”</p><p>Astrid thinks this over, fixating on a word. “...Our bodies?” She asks slowly. “Did you…?”</p><p>Valka’s hand pauses from where it was stroking her back. “Would it surprise you if I said I did?” The blonde shrugs, choosing to remain silent. The older woman continues. “I… I think that maybe… maybe that was part of why I chose to stay away.” Her hand begins to move again. “As much as I knew about the weepies, as much as I loved Hiccup,… I felt that staying away was easier than admitting to Stoick how uncomfortable I felt in motherhood.”</p><p>Astrid holds her mother-in-law closer. “I love my baby.” She says softly.</p><p>“I know you do, my dear. And you’re a wonderful mother.” Astrid feels a Valka kiss her forehead. “You just cannot be afraid to talk to someone, whether that be Hiccup, me, your mother…”</p><p>“My mother.” Astrid croaks. “She’d never understand, she thinks everyone has to be so perfect.”</p><p>“You’d be surprised, lass. Motherhood… it takes everyone by surprise.” Valka pats her arm again, leaning back to look at her. “Just promise you’ll talk to either Hiccup or I about all of this. Whatever you are feeling, know that you’re not alone. Hiccup’s nervous as well, I know he is. He’s also just so excited to be a father, and wants to make sure you feel supported.” She tucked a curl of blond hair behind Astrid’s ear. “We love you, sweetheart, never forget that.”</p><p>“I know, Valka. Thank you.”</p><p>Valka smiles, pulling the girl to standing. “Now, why don’t you go wash up a bit and take some time for yourself. I am going to straighten up a bit, then I’ll take Zephyr for a little walk.” Astrid begins to protest, but Valka will hear none of it.</p><p>Reluctantly, Astrid moves towards her bedroom, stopping at her baby’s crib to look down at the infant resting inside. Zephyr isn’t asleep, but her large blue eyes - Astrid’s eyes - are focused on the wooden mobile Hiccup had hung above the crib. He’d hand-carved and painted each dragon species they’d ever discovered, creating a stunning network of beautiful, soaring beasts that looked shockingly realistic.</p><p>Astrid reaches her finger out to stroke the baby’s cheek. Her heart flutters automatically, and, feeling the love wash through her body, she breathes a sigh of relief.<br/>
Once in her room, she stands by her washbasin, feeling a bit lost. She starts cleaning what she can of her hair, though she knows that it’ll take a full bath to really feel clean again. She hears Valka moving about the house and tries not to feel guilty. After she finishes, she lays on her bed, wishing she could sleep but knowing she won’t. After some time, she hears the front door open and knows she’s alone in the house.</p><p>Astrid starts to pick at the information Valka gave her, about how she’s not alone in this. She thinks about Valka, the chief’s wife, with a sickly premature child and the whole village’s eyes on them. How she must have felt like she failed her child, so much so that she couldn’t bear to stay to see how he turned out. Astrid’s heart hurts for her.</p><p>She’s not sure how long she lays there, sorting through her emotions. After a time, she hears the front door open and close again. Valka must be back. She tries not to feel panicky, taking a deep breath. But after a short pause, it’s not Valka that comes through the bedroom door. She isn’t sure if she’s relieved or not when her husband walks through the door, a concerned but knowing look on his face. He looks tired, more tired than she’s seen him lately, and she thinks back to what Valka said about him being nervous and stressed as well, just trying to hide it for her sake.</p><p>He comes to kneel by the side of the bed and she’s reminded of the day of Zephyr’s birth, he pressed close to her shoulder, arms around her back, or settled behind her murmuring reassurances into her neck. Now he takes her hand in one of his and cups her cheek with another, holding her gaze. “Hey.”</p><p>She could cry with how sweetly he says that singular word and she leans into his palm, closing her eyes.</p><p>He continues. “I was so worried, I saw my mom walking with Zephyr and I panicked.”</p><p>“She’s fine, Zephyr’s completely fine, you don’t need to worry…”</p><p>She feels Hiccup’s body still before his hand tips her face up. She opens her eyes to find his inches from her, dark with concern.</p><p>“Milady, I wasn’t worried about Zephyr.” He says. “I was worried about you.”</p><p>Astrid closes her eyes again and honestly, she’s torn between feeling oddly guilty about something she can’t describe and being so relieved that this man is her husband. As much as she had always felt secondary to his love of Toothless, it never changed the fact that he was the most compassionate person she knew, and that he knew her better than anyone else.</p><p>Before they began trying for a child, Hiccup had been so understanding and patient when she’d expressed her fears of motherhood and that she wasn’t ready to give up the person she’d been just to become a mother, before she understood that it was an addition to who she was, not a replacement. He never pushed, he let her decide when she was ready.</p><p>When they began to try and she’d woken up in the middle of the night with blood soaking through the sheets, he’d held her and cried with her at the loss of their unborn child. Once she was with child, past the point where they thought they might lose it, he was so quick to reassure her when she complained that her body had become unrecognizable, that she felt ungainly and unattractive and unsure of herself for the first time that she could remember. He’d spend hours pressing his lips to her body and showing her how he loved every inch of her.</p><p>And now…</p><p>Now he was holding her together again.</p><p>Still, the guilt won’t abate and she starts to babble apologies and Hiccup pushes himself onto the bed next to her and quiets her words with a kiss. He wraps his long, strong arms around her and pulls her to his side.</p><p>“Astrid, Gods, no, I should be the one apologizing.” He murmurs against her forehead. “I should have said something weeks ago when I first started to notice something might be off. I just didn’t want you to think I thought you were struggling.” He kisses her hairline. “You might not realize this, but you don’t always handle feedback well.”</p><p>Astrid can’t help but emit a wet sort of chuckle, pressing herself closer to him. She breathes him in and feels instantly better. She can’t remember the last time they were just the two of them, no baby sleeping nearby that they’re afraid of waking. She loves her daughter, but she misses this too.</p><p>After laying together for a while, Hiccup’s hand moving in comforting circles on her back, he says. “I brought some warm water. Fancy a bath?”</p><p>Astrid could kiss him, so she does.</p><p>Among its many wonders, New Berk is blessed with dozens of hot springs. Hiccup discovered a way to route warm water into wells dotted throughout the village. They’re not always the most reliable, but there’s one very near to their house that they can generally count on for their washing and bathing needs. One of the benefits of being Chief is the stone tub they have in their home, so they don’t need to always trek to the bathing houses. Hiccup had already gathered several buckets of spring water and left them by the hearth, so in no time at all Astrid is standing in front of the large tub and watching the tendrils of steam rise to the ceiling.</p><p>Hiccup stands behind her and begins to remove her clothing, and though it feels amazing to be cared for in this way, it’s not particularly sexual. As he guides her to the water, she retains her hold on his hand. After a second of confusion, he catches on.</p><p>“Want some company?”</p><p>She nods, and he begins to undo his own armor. As he undresses, she watches him covertly as she begins to truly rinse her hair, washing away any residual gumminess. He’s gotten broader since the dragons left, his chest and shoulders taking on more muscle from manual labor needed to build the village. It also helps that he has fewer draconic distractions to keep him from eating. He’s still slim, with hardly any fat on him, but he’s far less wiry than he was even two years prior.</p><p>He sits on the edge of the tub and unfastens his prosthetic, removing the lacings and sheath from his leg. Sinking into the water behind her, he wraps his arms around her and pulls her back against his chest. She can feel him pressed against her back, but he is soft, relaxed, just enjoying being with her. She feels treasured, overwhelmed by the kind of love she never imagined existed.</p><p>They take their time. Hiccup washes her hair and rubs her back, his strong hands digging into muscles she didn’t even know were bothering her until he touches them.</p><p>They talk.</p><p>It’s a completely open conversation: no one is pointing fingers, no one is upset. Hiccup listens to every word Astrid says about the emotions she’s been battling, pressing kisses to her shoulders and wrapping his arms around her stomach that still won’t lie as flat as it had been, no matter how she tries.</p><p>In return, he shares his fears, how he sometimes snuck out to his workshop to ‘grab more firewood’ but stayed, attempting to stave off panic attacks and tears with deep, gasping breaths. He likens it to when he first met Toothless: thrilling, but knowing that at any second his good luck could run out and he’d be gobbled up. She’d had no idea, but it oddly makes her feel better.</p><p>When they seem to be running out of words, she feels Hiccup’s hands against her belly, petting the slight swell he finds there. Astrid knows it’s normal to still be slightly swollen at this point, but she feels self-conscious about it anyways. She tells him so, saying, “What if I can’t get rid of this or it gets bigger and you stop finding me attractive?” She knows she sounds desperate, especially because she knows that Hiccup loves her mind even more than her body.</p><p>“Astrid.” He said with a slight scolding in his tone, kissing her neck, the scruff of his unshaven face sending chills down her spine. “If you ever get even the slightest hint that I no longer find you attractive,” he says, switching sides of her neck, “You should check me for a pulse.” She can’t help but turn her head to kiss him.</p><p>After a while, his hands trail slightly lower, resting on her hip bones, his fingers spanning her abdomen. It’s an ask, no pressure, just an invitation should she choose to take it. They really haven’t done much since Zephyr’s birth, and a while before that, if she’s being really honest. She was incredibly sore for nearly two months after the birth, and since then has only had rare moments when she has enough energy to think about anything other than sleep and how much she has to do. Hiccup is patient, though he clearly thinks about it more than she does.</p><p>When she finally felt that the nerves between her legs had sorted themselves out, he had delved between her folds and brought her to the most drawn-out, almost painfully sweet climax she’d ever had, burying her cries in his chest as she writhed against his hand. When she clasped him to return the favor, it had only taken a handful of strokes for him to spill against her leg, his mouth covering hers in a whimpered gasp. They’d never ventured much further than that: there just wasn’t the time or energy.</p><p>He’s clearly offering the same treatment now, but the water is cooling and she doesn’t want to rush things. Her hormones are still completely wonky and she wonders how she could make this transition from the crying heap she was this morning, but she doesn’t get a lot of time alone with Hiccup and she wants to take advantage of it. Slowly she rises from the water and grabs a few towels, looking at him suggestively over her shoulder. She laughs at how quickly he moves, nearly forgetting his imbalance and reaching out to steady him as he hops on one foot.</p><p>“Don’t fall,” she says, “it’ll ruin the moment.”</p><p>He opts to lean on her rather than reach for the prosthetic, wrapping a towel around himself as she does the same. Then together they hop step their way to the bedroom and close the door. Hiccup sits on the edge of the bed and she straddles him, his erection straining against the fabric around his waist in its attempts to reach her.</p><p>Hiccup takes his time, pressing kisses to her collarbone and neck, his hands like fire down her shoulders and back. When they reach her hips, she can’t help but drive them forward against him and he uses the momentum to lay back against the bed, bringing her with him as he touches her all over.</p><p>It’s not graceful or elegant. They’re somewhat out of practice and a touch too desperate for it to be anything long and drawn out, but they know each other backward and forwards, inside and out, and more importantly, they are just happy to be with each other. When Hiccup slips past her folds, Astrid’s whole body trembles in response. His head flops against the mattress, chest heaving as he feels her for the first time in months, his body tight and shaking with restraint.</p><p>Astrid’s quick to reassure him that she’s not in any discomfort, her hands brushing down the faint dusting of hair on his chest as she begins to rock against him. The reaction is immediate on both sides: Hiccup’s eyes slam shut and ragged gasps tear from his lungs, while she feels a soft whine build in her throat as heat rushes through her. There’s nothing like this. There’s nothing better than this, not for the two of them. Not with each other.</p><p>Hiccup is determined, though, so he helps as much as he can, his hips jumping to meet Astrid’s every motion and his hands soft and clever where she needs them. It’s over pitifully fast for both of them, tremors shaking both their bodies and Hiccup barely remembers to pull out because he hasn’t had to think about it in over a year, shifting her just in time to avoid coming deep within her.</p><p>They hold each other, exchanging warm air between them as they breathe, slightly sticky, slightly gross, probably needing another wash, but Astrid feels lighter than she has in months. She can’t help the soft smile on her lips as Hiccup shifts them to lay properly on the bed, his arms tight around her, pulling her head to his chest. She can feel his heart beating like a hummingbird’s wings under her ear and she focuses on it, even as he’s nosing at her hair and pressing kisses to her brow.</p><p>“I love you so much, Astrid.” He murmurs, his voice almost painfully sincere as he hugs her tighter. “I don’t think you’ll ever know how much.”</p><p>She presses a kiss to his chest, pulling herself impossibly closer. “I know. I know because I feel it too.”</p><p>As Hiccup cards his fingers through her hair softly, she thinks of this beautiful, crazy man and the beautiful, wonderful daughter he gave her, and her heart thuds harder in her chest. There’s no one she’d rather have a child with, no one she’d rather raise a child with, no one she’d rather have her child bear likeness to. Astrid finds that, for the first time in a while, she can’t wait to see her daughter’s smiling face again because she already sees so much of him in her, and yet she’s so clearly her own little person too. Her stomach coils with excitement, not dread.</p><p>“We can do this,” she murmurs, and Hiccup hums sleepily into her hair.</p><p>“Hmmm.”</p><p>She can do this.</p>
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